I just spent some time reading all my entries and picked a new layout/background.. I may even change the title… but I am not sure. Primal Wound sounds somehow “too bold” in one way, but on the other hand I am drawn to it because of what it stands for. I am always drawn to things that have a meaning behind them, or more than one meaning! This ties in to something I would like to Try and discuss. I say “Try” because I am not sure how or what to say… Someone who I am close to, a friend, a soul sister, if you will, said that there can be things behind my smile; that my Smile is a Façade at times. As I pondered that idea, realized it was more than an idea, but indeed a Truth… I am Almost Always smiling, or laughing, or giggling, or smirking… It is just who I am. I always try and see the “fun” in things; the good side, the happy, the positive… God forbid I have a Moment where I am down, or my cage rattled or what have you! I am only Human. It happens. Yet I still Smile… 90% of the time. 🙂 I think I spend too much time worrying about shit I cannot control; things that perhaps should not matter, they will “just be what they are”… and this gets me a tad worked up; frustrated, confused, and off kilter. This is where I am now, but with a little help from said friend, and my own Self as a helping hand… I have talked through some of it and physically feel better for it already. Having a mentor who is also a friend and sounding board is indeed an asset; where I would be without some of her advice(s) is a question I don’t mind NOT knowing the answer to…
So… why the bit of confusion, feeling off kilter, etc? this happens to me every once in awhile, and it’s usually more noticeable during the winter months, especially after the Holidays. I am a Thinker; one who from time to time, takes a good hard Look at the important things in her life; her relationships, her accomplishments, her defeats, her assets and her setbacks. It’s like a “Life in Review” kind of thing I suppose. ~sigh~ This year has been a year of changes as well as things remaining as they were… A new job at a different location with the same company was indeed check in the Plus side column! I love it there; love my job and co workers/friends! we have new cars, which we love and feel so much safer in! (Add to that, TWO car payments vs. None!! That’s quite a change, too!!) Now for the “big one”… but perhaps I make it “too big”… the stagnancy in the relationship with my Mother… I am definitely out of the Honeymoon Phase that I heard so much about, which I kind of expected. But what IS this part or phase that I am in? I feel Detached somehow. We don’t talk as much, haven’t e-mailed in almost a year… and when we were down in Florida, I had a day with her.. a DAY. I was there for 10. That was her choice, which I respect. I do not understand it… and perhaps I never will. And I need to focus on That reality; that we are profoundly different in some fundamental ways. Unfortunately, these differences make certain things difficult… for me anyway. I don’t think she thinks about them, I really don’t. She is simple. Leads a very simple life. Doesn’t do much and likes her routine(s). I don’t really “fit” so well into that kind of lifestyle. . . unless she allows it. I remember some of the talks we had “in the beginning” and I am left questioning “Why don’t we have those conversations anymore?” And I feel a little sad… because it leaves me feeling a little disconnected, which I think is justified. Can I change that? Perhaps… but I am skeptical. I can be good at extending the proverbial peace offering, but…. I only feel comfortable doing it so many times. If only I could get more Comfortable with how things are between us… Have it “be Enough”. I am just not there yet, and I know why: because I still want more… and I cannot just dismiss that! I don’t think I should have to. Maybe I will write her a letter, or email, just explaining a couple of things… how I feel.. that I miss her and how we used to talk more… and why does it always have to be Me who calls? who writes? who does Anything? Can’t hurt to try… worst possible answer will be either no response at all or her disagreeing with me. Neither of those would be that bad; well no response would hurt my feelings but… at least I would know I put MY feelings out there…
Well… that’s all for now… I think I summed everything up pretty well…
Until Next Time…