making less…of something big…

It is in my nature to have big feelings… big thoughts… I have a big heart. So what do I do when there is something big – something important  – something significant – that I put feelings and thoughts and actions into… but it is not reciprocated? I am left feeling confused, irritated, and even a little upset or sad.

I do not know what it is to be a Mother, but only a Daughter.. to two different mothers. Sometimes I wish I did; for then maybe I would better understand, or perhaps Try to understand where she is coming from… if from anywhere at all. I honestly think that all this would be easier if I would just let things be; take each moment at face value and move on. But that is SO “not me”, never has been. Well maybe it has, but not for something this important. How do I make it “less”?? IS that even the way to proceed? <sigh>

My life has  had so many wonderful experiences… so much love… so much “good”. I just want this to be “good” too… and it is, for the most part. But I am constantly left feeling like something is still missing. Perhaps I should just try something different… try to move forward while at the same time some things stay the same… even if I don’t like it. I may be a better woman for it.

I write this as if there readers, speak these truths as if there are listeners… whether there are or not. Sometimes this writing helps, sometimes it doesn’t make a difference… doesn’t matter. I usually feel better for doing it….

More at another date….

~E

Advertisements

Yes I Am Still Here

I just spent some time reading all my entries and picked a new layout/background.. I may even change the title… but I am not sure. Primal Wound sounds somehow “too bold” in one way, but on the other hand I am drawn to it because of what it stands for. I am always drawn to things that have a meaning behind them, or more than one meaning! This ties in to something I would like to Try and discuss. I say “Try” because I am not sure how or what to say… Someone who I am close to, a friend, a soul sister, if you will, said that there can be things behind my smile; that my Smile is a Façade at times. As I pondered that idea, realized it was more than an idea, but indeed a Truth… I am Almost Always smiling, or laughing, or giggling, or smirking… It is just who I am. I always try and see the “fun” in things; the good side, the happy, the positive… God forbid I have a Moment where I am down, or my cage rattled or what have you! I am only Human. It happens. Yet I still Smile… 90% of the time. 🙂 I think I spend too much time worrying about shit I cannot control; things that perhaps should not matter, they will “just be what they are”… and this gets me a tad worked up; frustrated, confused, and off kilter. This is where I am now, but with a little help from said friend, and my own Self as a helping hand… I have talked through some of it and physically feel better for it already. Having a mentor who is also a friend and sounding board is indeed an asset; where I would be without some of her advice(s) is a question I don’t mind NOT knowing the answer to…

So… why the bit of confusion, feeling off kilter, etc? this happens to me every once in awhile, and it’s usually more noticeable during the winter months, especially after the Holidays. I am a Thinker; one who from time to time, takes a good hard Look at the important things in her life; her relationships, her accomplishments, her defeats, her assets and her setbacks. It’s like a “Life in Review” kind of thing I suppose. ~sigh~ This year has been a year of changes as well as things remaining as they were… A new job at a different location with the same company was indeed check in the Plus side column! I love it there; love my job and co workers/friends!  we have new cars, which we love and feel so much safer in! (Add to that, TWO car payments vs. None!! That’s quite a change, too!!) Now for the “big one”… but perhaps I make it “too big”… the stagnancy in the relationship with my Mother… I am definitely out of the Honeymoon Phase that I heard so much about, which I kind of expected. But what IS this part or phase that I am in? I feel Detached somehow. We don’t talk as much, haven’t e-mailed in almost a year… and when we were down in Florida, I had a day with her.. a DAY. I was there for 10. That was her choice, which I respect. I do not understand it… and perhaps I never will. And I need to focus on That reality; that we are profoundly different in some fundamental ways. Unfortunately, these differences make certain things difficult… for me anyway. I don’t think she thinks about them, I really don’t. She is simple. Leads a very simple life. Doesn’t do much and likes her routine(s). I don’t really “fit” so well into that kind of lifestyle. . . unless she allows it. I remember some of the talks we had “in the beginning” and I am left questioning “Why don’t we have those conversations anymore?” And I feel a little sad… because it leaves me feeling a little disconnected, which I think is justified. Can I change that? Perhaps… but I am skeptical. I can be good at extending the proverbial peace offering, but…. I only feel comfortable doing it so many times. If only I could get more Comfortable with how things are between us… Have it “be Enough”. I am just not there yet, and I know why: because I still want more… and I cannot just dismiss that! I don’t think I should have to. Maybe I will write her a letter, or email, just explaining a couple of things… how I feel.. that I miss her and how we used to talk more… and why does it always have to be Me who calls? who writes? who does Anything? Can’t hurt to try… worst possible answer will be either no response at all or her disagreeing with me. Neither of those would be that bad; well no response would hurt my feelings but… at least I would know I put MY feelings out there…

Well… that’s all for now… I think I summed everything up pretty well…

Until Next Time…

Let It Be

Once again, I have things to say, but not quite sure where to start…. So one again, I will just speak what’s been on my mind.. 😉

I think I am at that place where things are not going moving forward…. and it’s not because of me, per se. I do things differently; I feel more, I love more deeply, I.. I…. I…. come from a different way of doing things; expressing things; just “how and who I am”. This makes some things difficult… in that I do not want to “push things” too far… say too much.. or force my mother to feel or say things she just can’t, or does not want to, or whatever. See the predicament.? It is is what it is.

It’s like I have grabbed on to “all this” and now I have to let parts of it go… the dream of having a relationship where we can truly say anything… yea, that’s not going to happen… not yet and maybe not ever. And I have to come to terms with that. IT is what it is and I need to Let IT Be.. that is hard for me, however, it’s not in my nature. Not to sound selfish…..

Of course I have no regrets… I never will. I am just trying to learn the ins and outs of what to say and what not to say, and I guess I never expected to have to do that… not with her, my mother, the One who is so much a part of who I am…. maybe I am placing “too much” on that significance? She is important, no doubt about that, but maybe I put too much on her, indirectly, in my mind. She is here, I am in her life, she is in mine, we are who we are and that’s “it”…. Simple, right? Yea, not so much……

I wish I had more time, to say more, but I need to get ready for work… I will try and regroup and come back soon!!!

Pieces of the puzzleDon’t seem to fit.Some pieces

Pieces of the puzzle

Don’t seem to fit.

Some pieces are newer,

others older and have a solid fit,

Is is a whole new puzzle

to put together?

Or do the new pieces just need to find

their place, to simply “settle in”?

Pieces of the puzzle

Don’t seem to fit.

My feelings are clear, yet conflicted.

I thought I knew what I wanted, and thought I almost  had it,

Now it feels beyond my reach.

Things I do or say, out of Love and an attempt to understand,

make me feel like I am trying too hard,

holding on too tight.

These puzzle pieces may indeed fit,

just not the way I had envisioned they would…

What’s This phase called….?

So it’s been almost a year since I last wrote… how did THAT happen? Time gets away from me, I suppose…

Have had two more trips to Florida this year; one not as long as the other, but was still good time spent. I think, however, that I/we are at a standstill of some sort. I know what i feel, ,what I want, but…. I don’t think she does. It’s too much change; i am rocking the boat…making waves… or something. I try to accept that we see things differently, but this is where it gets hard for me. Or maybe i make it harder than it needs to be. If only i could say “it’s enough” , the way things are, keeping some distance, trying not to get too emotionally attached. Too late… a part of me already is… 😦

Time on my Hands…

A week ago today my uncle passed away… I had only met him last August for the first time. That still sounds strange to me… He is my uncle, but we jsut met… but that’s my reality — the reality of an adoptee who just found her famliy, at 39, and lost a member of that family a year later. Sad, isn’t it? Sad that I didn’t have more time with him… sad that he is gone, sad that i won’t hear his voice every Sunday when I call, sad that Grams has to uproot and “move her life” as it is… sad that everyone else is grieving… sad that we will never see him again… I could sit here and wish to reverse all that, and be bitter about why he is gone, why he was taken so soon after meeting him, but that would be selfish. He lived a full life, he was well loved, and will continue to be… R.I.P. Uncle Ed.

At this time when I know the rest of my family is grieving, i just want to be close to them, but can’t… for they are too far… a trip is planned for the end of June to go down to FL again, to spend some time with Mama and Grams (unless she’s moved to Colorado with Aunt Karen by then)… My heart goes out to all of them, right now, especially Grams — to lose her Son like that, and try to save him with CPR but to no avail… how awful. I cannot even imagine….

I used to wonder what life would be like, with a family i “really felt connected to, in good times and bad”… well now I know. Words cannot really do it justice, but… of course it’s wonderful… feelings I cannot compare to anything besides seeing something that just makes your heart Smile, and Sing, and Sigh all at the same time.

I know that I am lucky

I know that I am blessed

I know that I am loved

I know that I am all those things for I feel it,

each and every day… every time I talk to them

every time I see them.

I’m not sure what else to say, right now.. other than I feel closer to them through the tragedy of Uncle Ed’s passing. I know that the way they miss him is not as strong as me, perhaps… only because they had him in their lives longer. What a wonderful brother he was to my aunts and mother, and a caring son to my Grams; doing all sorts of things for her each and every day….

That’s all for now…..

 

 

Ellie, your blog is calling….

 “I had to Love him enough to give him the life that I knew I just couldn’t”, Kandice, from the TLC show “Birthmothers”. When i heard those words, and saw her eyes well up with tears when she said them… i was a little taken aback by those very words because my birthmother told me the EXACT same thing one night when we were talking. The Same words echoed in my ears that I heard just now!! I couldn’t believe it. But then again, I could… for it let me know that a birthmother today thinks the same as my mother did, almost 40 years ago.

So where does that “leave me”? Does it change anything? NOt relly, i guess. But, i am one of those people who is constantly thinking… maybe too much at times. I wish i could keep it simple… just let things be and take things as they come. Sometimes I can… but sometimes i just can’t… i need to know the answers to some questions… to know how she is doing with “all this”.. i mean Really Know… Not that i don’t.. for she does tell me/has told me all those things that a mother’s child wants and needs to hear, no matter how old : that she loves me, that she is glad we have met and connected and share so many things, it makes her happy that *I* am so much happier for finding her, and Grams, and Aunties/Uncles/Cousins!! And i am. There is no doubt about that. Hands down I am a better person, somehow, for knowing her.. for having the courage to find her… to know that I am important to her. It means more than I can ever really express to her. Some other adoptees may understand…but it is so very hard to put into words.

I know I  have a good, solid relationship with my mother already… so why do i sometimes feel like i want and need More? I know i don’t talk about certain things on purpose; i don’t want to upset her or make her think about things that I know may be hard to do… I love her, she is so much a part of me already, that I don’t want to say too much or the wrong thing and take any of that feeling away…. It’s a real fear of mine, for I usually let people know what i am feeling, and how much.. but with her I sometimes hold back. I can only assume this is “normal”. Then again, what matters if it is or if it isn’t? IT is “just me” and that is just fine! 🙂

I’m switching gears a little.. to something else i have been thinking about lately… why didn’t i ever have a baby of my own? it is something i always thought i would do; i love children, and now that i am about to turn 40 and i haven’t even tried to have one, i really wonder Why… and i really don’t think being lesbian has much to do with it.. not really. there are ways, as we all know, to get pregnant… It is kind of a money issue, but kind of not. If i really wanted to do it, i would find a way…right? Oh i just don’t know. I wonder if I would feel more complete if I had a child of my own. I see these shows like “A Baby Story” or “Adoption Stories” and sometimes i just weep because i never had a baby… is it too late for me? I tend to think it is… but maybe it’s not… Yet another thing to “think about”… like i need anything else!!! LOL!! Any thoughts/comments are truly appreciated….

Well.. it’s midnite and I am getting tired.. not sure when my next post will be.. but I will try and make it sooner than later.

XXX Peace XXX

Unexpected Emotions…

So I am not sure how to start this.. have been “trying” to for over a week now.. ever since i wrote last, right after my trip to Florida to see and meet Family. so here goes nothing… i am just going to write whatever comes to mind..

Some days i miss Her so bad I cannot think of anything else. I call her just to hear her voice, her laugh, her encouraging words. How can I miss her this much when we are just getting to know one another? Some would say it’s because i have “known” her all along… and by reuniting, I stirred up all these emotions, feelings, etc… that simply cannot be igmored, and are rather overwhelming at times. I cannot just say “it is what it is”.. and “move on”. It is not that easy. Loving her IS easy, maybe the easiest things I have ever “done”… but being so very far away, not knowing when I will see her again.. THAT is so very hard. I never expected it to be like this.

Some days i just need to hear her voice, but i don’t call, for i don’t want to bother her, overwhelm  her, say too much, put too much on her… even though every single time i do worry i have said too much, or written too much, she always says it is “never too much.. you are just speaking from your heart.”  How sweet is that? And it is reassuring… so that helps.

Some days I realize how lucky i am… i am one of the Success Stories. I am blessed to have a Family who loves unconditionally and are already so very special to me. I can say anything (almost! lol) to them, call them whenever i want… be open about who i am and what i feel. I couldn’t do that all growing up… I didn’t feel comfortable doing it. I never got close to my Mom or Dad, that’s just how it was. I guess i assumed it waws because i was adopted.. that i just simply “didn’t have that connection”. Perhaps that was indeed true… for now i am beginning to know what “that connection” is like… and it is coming to me pretty easily… yet hard at the same time because i have SO much to give, to feel, to express. I have always tried to follow my heart… wherever she takes me… and to be true to her… I hope I can do it this time, too… for my Mother, for the one who i Love so very much already, for the one who i cannot seem to live without now that i know her….

Ok for now.. that’s “it”…I may continue tomorrow, as it’s a day off. 🙂

Peace….

Family Vacation!!

Wow… ok so it’s been another couple of months.. oops!! And this will have to be short, too.. but oh my god, was this last trip to FLA simply Amazing!!! I met another aunt and uncle, and their girls — two more cousins!! We all spent a week together, even Mom and Grams were there, too!! Then, I got to stay with my Mom for a nite and a day. Great!! IT was really nice to be able to “just be with her”… didn’t matter what we were doing.. shopping, kareoke, talking… and talking.. and talking.. 🙂 

I will include a few photos for now… but will have to write more tomorrow, as I  need to get some shut eye!! LOL!! 

I hope you all are still following.. even though I took a hiatus from writing — i am sure you understand why!! 🙂 

a Favorite!!

a

❤ Mamma ❤

Grams and ME 🙂

Me and Aunt Karen 🙂

Cousins!!!!

ME and Auntie Lynn, the first One I met last August in Michigan…

all of us (except Mom) at Animal Kingdom by the Tree of Life.. how perfect!!!

Has it been almost One Year…?

Wow, I was just reading over some of my posts and when I realized that February is fast approaching. Why is that significant? Because it was February of last year when I found my Grams, and made a phone call to her in Florida that pretty much changed my life forever. I know that sounds kind of dramatic, but it is what it is… and it is indeed true! I am not the same person I was a year ago; I have changed somewhat, perhaps in insignificant ways, but I know that I see things differently; have a whole new Family to call my own; have a heart that feels so very full sometimes just because of finding them.!!! I  know my life would have gone on, and I probably would have been just fine, but since I have found them, I cannot imagine life without them. I love them so very much; and my Mom truly has a special place in my heart, now… where she will remain forever!! I can honestly say that we have made some important connections in these past couple of months, and it has been great…

I do still have moments where I question if I have “put too much out there” or said “too much” in a letter or phone call… only because I tend to worry because I don’t want to push her away in any way, or say the wrong thing, or not know if I haven’t put too much on the table at once. So I have gotten “better” about how much I say at any given time… and we have had some truly wonderful chats when we talk every week… Keep it Simple seems to be the “way to go”.. and that is just fine… 🙂 For now… lol. I know one day we will wind up touching on some difficult issues, but… all in due time. We are still getting to know one another, so now is not the time to throw the “heavy stuff” into our chats… he he…

I really wanted to keep going,  here… but alas, my eyes are getting tired; it’s after 11 and I have to get up at 4:30… i need my sleep!!

I will try and add to this tomorrow or another day this week…

Peace to All!!!